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Life is a Journey of Discovery

My Blog


Anger Management- What it is- What its not

Posted on September 7, 2016 at 2:42 PM Comments comments (6)
Anger management is not a form of suppression where a person holds in his or her anger. That causes ulcers and heart attacks and makes the people you are angry with either more angry because they can see through your "being good" behavior or they just keep doing what they've  always done to make you angry in the first place.

Anger management is also not a way of manipulating your enemies so that you get what you want in the end. That's why its called "anger management" instead of "people management".

Anger management is a way of being assertive rather than aggressive. It is a way of stating what you need without discounting the other's needs. It is a way of getting in touch with your "too strong emotions" so that you can figure out if you might be overreacting. 

There are proven methods that can change the way you show your anger so that you might actually be understood and respected by yourself and others. These methods are not hard to learn. They just take practice and the willingness to change.

You can learn those methods in my anger management class in a relatively short time depending on your individual needs and desires. 

If you are sick of being angry and are ready to change, give me a call.

Negative Self-talk

Posted on May 13, 2016 at 12:34 PM Comments comments (7)
What is negative self-talk? Any time that you scold yourself about something you did or said, you are using negative self-talk. When you do it to yourself, it feels so bad and it can ruin your day. It also promotes low self-esteem and makes you physically sick. 
   Here's a method I have used that really promotes instant relief:

1. Reaction: You find yourself thinking of something you did that was stupid. (in your opinion).

2. Realization: Here I go again with self-blaming!

3. Recovery: I don't like the way I feel and I don't want to stay in this place anymore!

4. Redirection: Think instead- these are the things I did right-everyone makes mistakes-this is a learning experience- at least I tried something-I am growing and learning- what doesn't kill me makes me stronger-I will laugh about this later.

Get the point? Why dwell on negative emotions? Our little time on earth is so short that it is worth a little effort to be happy in life. Try it! It is better than pouting!

Frustration and Anger

Posted on April 19, 2016 at 3:47 PM Comments comments (8)
What makes us so frustrated and angry in relationships? What pushes our button and makes us unwilling to see our part we are playing in our fights before we blow up at our significant other? It is often the unseen and unexpressed old messages we are hearing from our parents  such as "You are a loser and you are being taken advantage of " or simply  "You need to win this argument in any way you can."

Whatever the case may be our messages to ourselves are very often filled with directives to act now or else. 

This is exactly the time to decide NOT to act.  This is the time to listen carefully to the message that is telling you to act right now. Instead,  think about the consequences of your words and actions. Ask yourself, "Will my words or actions get me what I want or will they make things worse with this person ? " Chances are they will heighten the tension and prolong the suffering. 

Even if you find it very difficult to state how you feel, for example, "I am hurt, I feel offended, I feel lonesome, this is the time to express your real emotions. 

This is often all the other person needs to understand you. This is often the icebreaker that will defuse the bomb of escalating emotions. 

I challenge you to try it next time you are in a fight with someone close. 

Anger and Insecurity

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 10:01 AM Comments comments (9)
Why is it that so many couples get stuck in a downward spiral of suspicion and anger?    My contention is that we get caught up in wanting our significant other to meet our needs. But ask yourself this question. Can you, and do you have the desire to, meet  all the needs of your loved one ? I believe that it would be an insurmountable and frustrating task that you would ultimately give up in frustration. 

Each of us is responsible for our own well-being. There is no such thing as a free ride on the back of someone else's life. Even in marriage we both have to maintain our own happiness. If we find out our spouse is cheating or we discover that we have married an abuser, then it is our responsibility to end the relationship or decide to stay in it. One thing we will never be able to do is change another person. I know people who stay in  relationships for years and spend their days griping about how miserable they are because they are blaming the other person for their miserable life. 
How ridiculous is that! 
Compromise, understanding, and acceptance are necessary ingredients in any relationship. Relationships take time and a lot of love to sustain them. But each person in a relationship  is entitled and responsible to make choices that bring personal satisfaction.
If you are caught up in the blame game and need a little guidance, I can help. I've been there myself and know how it eats you alive. There is a way out if you are willing to risk real change in your life.

Depression and Anger

Posted on February 7, 2016 at 9:06 AM Comments comments (5)
What do depression and anger have in common? Actually, it is almost impossible to have one without the other. Depression is often caused by negative thoughts that you have about others or yourself. You may feel no control over the way your life is going and instead of using your anger to push yourself forward finding solutions to your dilemma you make a conscious or unconscious decision to give up on trying to make your situation better. Thus you spiral into depressive thoughts and actions.

I'm not implying that it is possible to be  completely in charge of the events and happenings in our lives. "Acceptance" also plays a role in the mind game. Some things in life do need to be accepted that cannot be changed such as other people, traffic, taxes, and death (we all die sooner or later). But the majority of our choices are in our own hands.

If you have made a decision to move on with your life but are lacking the motivation, direction, or energy to do so on your own, it may be time to find someone who can be a sounding board and a cheerleader for you. 

I have been in such a place. Without the expertise and guidance from a counselor who could show me compassion and empathy, I would have remained stuck in my own self-made rut. Now I can offer you the same opportunity to climb out of the quagmire of doubt and confusion and discover what it feels like to be in charge of your own precious life.

Anger Management

Posted on January 22, 2016 at 10:00 AM Comments comments (2)
Anger can be a debilitating problem or just an indication that something needs to be addressed. If you have an anger issue what you do about it makes all the difference. Have you heard of the Serenity Prayer that is used in Alcoholics Anonymous and other such meetings? It goes like this: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to  know the difference."

Everyone has anger issues. Anger is a normal part of life. But when you go into a rage or become depressed, it is time to figure out another way of dealing with it.

Try these steps and see if using them makes a difference:

1. Pause before action. 
2. Before spewing your guts, take a deep breath and get in touch with your feelings. What is behind the anger? Are you really hurt by someone's actions? Do you feel that no one understands you? There are many feelings that come out as anger that get buried because it is easier to be angry than hurt or fearful. It is harder to admit these feelings.
3. Get in touch with your needs that are not being met. Figure out if your needs are legitimate and then work on stating your needs in a calm way by starting with "I need". 
4. If it is road rage then your acceptance is the only alternative. You can rage all you want to, but all it will do is make  you or the person next to you more miserable. Try focusing on a song on the radio or call someone, or just look outside for something calming to look at like a tree or a bird. 
5. Sometimes our anger and fears get the best of us and we become tightly wrapped up in a cocoon of despair and bitterness. This might be a time to find a mental health counselor or a therapist. These guys are trained to help you get unstuck. 
6. Anyone can use the Serenity Prayer. If you are not a Christian just restate it to your liking, but  there is some wisdom in the saying. There is no reason to stew in a porridge full of helpless rage. There is definitely a way out for you if you are courageous enough to make some changes in the way you deal with anger.